Carriers

Shit or not, the world needs more Piper Perabo movies... actually, i just browsed through her imdb list and I take that back... the world could definitely do without most of them... still, this was watchable... I think I might go and download Coyote Ugly...

6/10

Precious

Serious contender for best thing i watched in 2009. SHE CALLED HER KID MONGO FFS!!! How can we all not worship such a thing?

10/10

Where The Wild Things Are

Why the fuck do the kids in these movies have to be such selfish little cunts?

0/10

Greta

Hilary Duff goes indie. Still felt like a disney film though.

2/10

Breathless

Pure brutality. Maybe even too brutal for me.

5/10

Who Is KK Downey

Indie comedy that's maybe a little too over the top to be completely enjoyable.

5/10

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

The Age have this in their top 10 films of the year. Balibo's in there too. I think they need a new film reviewer.

5/10

Balibo

NOOO!

[bang]

NOOO!

[bang]

NOOO!

[bang]

"but i'm an australian."

Seriously? Just plain embarrassing...

3/10

Antichrist

So disappointing...

6/10

Crows Zero II

I don't think I'll bother watching any more Takeshi Miike STV quickies.

4/10

Buebchen

Awesome premise but something just didn't quite work for me.

5/10

Weather Girl

indie romance bullshit.


3/10

Reazione a Catena

Not so great 70's horror gorefest.

3/10

Color Me Blood Red

60's B-Grade Awesomeness.

8/10

Mary And Max

A little overlong I thought but it was worth watching.

6/10

Year One

Michael Cera is always good... and david cross can't not make me laugh... but the rest of this is just awful... not sure if I laughed at anything Jack Black said or did... maybe he should consider taking a break for a while...

3/10

Stuntmen

I hate mockumentaries so fucking much... just so fucking much... but this was good.

7/10

Lets Scare Jessica To Death

Sold to me as being one of the great forgotten horror flicks of the 70's but I thought it just plain sucked.

1/10

Ink

Maybe with a bit more money and some slightly less amateurish film-making this could've been good but it just wasn't...

Oh.. and the acting... just horrible.

2/10

Humpday

The premise (2 mates fucking each other for "art") seemed interesting but the final product was pretty awful.

3/10

Black Dynamite

Modern Blaxploitation that tries so hard to be deliberately bad it's pretty much unwatchable.

I switched off after 10 minutes.

0/10

The Hurt Locker

The best film to be made about Iraq so far... I knew Katheryn Bigalow still had it in her.

9/10

The Day The Earth Stood Still

I've finally figured it out... Keanu Reeves is an alien with mind control powers and that's how he manages to still find work as an actor... Now I've just gotta figure out Tom Cruise...

3/10

Punisher War Zone

Titus Fucking Pullo playing The Punisher... The very idea gave me a hard on... Sadly the final product isn't quite as awesome as promised... Oh well, it was at least worth watching for the extremely magnificent gory violence.

Oh fuck, i almost forgot, the acting by the evil baddie brothers is truly horrific... so fucking bad it actually made Heath Ledger's Joker look worthy of the rediculous amount of praise he's been getting. That's takes some pretty shit acting.

5/10

Dear Zachary

Even the incredibly amateurish filmaking can't destroy the story this doco maker managed to stumble on. Personally, I think the reviewers are getting a little carried away in their love of this but at the same time I'm glad that it's going to be seen by a wider audience.

My mum is gonna love having her heart broken by it.

6/10

Girls Rock

The only good thing about this shit was the soundtrack. But as I'm a man that's probably just me keeping the fairer sex down.

It actually reminded me of that chistrian camp doco with the preacher that has since been outed as a cock hungry hypocrite... can't remember what that was called but this was just like that but instead of mocking the losers it tried to make them seem anything but the sad little no friend knob-ends that they are.

Losers need to be mocked otherwise I'm afraid it just ain't entertaining.

1/10

Changeling

Better than Clit's other recent film but something about it just didn't ring true with me...

7/10

W

Too boring to be a comedy but too biased to be interesting.

I couldn't make it all the way to then end.

2/10

The Reader

Nowhere near as good as the hype would lead you to believe.

5/10

Ten Inch Hero

Good despite the poor acting and sometimes questionable dialogue.

6.5/10

Good Dick

Victim of molesation or not, characters need to have something, anything, JUST ONE FUCKING THING, to like about them.

4/10 

20th Century Boys

A little long and I was seriously disappointed by the ending... then the ad for part 2 started post credits and all was forgiven. When films are this ridiculous, shallow and childish a resolution is important.

6/10

Knocked Up

I deliberately avoided this as all cost on it's release... and after watching I have to admit that I regret that decision.

7/10

11:14

Awesome black comedy that I can't believe was never given a wider release. It's almost as unbelievable as the fact that someone once cast Rachael Leigh Cook as an "ugly duckling".

8/10

Towelhead

It should've been great but just wasn't and I can't explain why.

3/10

Revolver

A Guy Ritchie film that I'd managed to overlook until now and I actually wish it'd stayed hidden from me.

4/10

4 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days

Nasty and depressing.

8/10

The Escapist

It could've been great but I felt it was ruined by the ending.

7/10

Permanent Vacation

I was excited by the blurb "Eric is thrust into a world of sexual decadence, headless corpses, sadistic policemen, and one wise old man."

Sadly it wasn't very good.

2/10

Not Quite Hollywood

They overrate so many incredibly shit movies it's hard to take this too seriously.

And Bob Ellis steals the show as usual.

6/10

Man On Wire

Am I the only one that came out of this thinking Philippe Petit was a total wanker?

7/10

Frozen River

It won heaps of indie awards and it's undenyably good but it's a little overrated.

7/10

Dying Breed

I'm pretty much certain that I won't see a worse film this year.

0/10

Doubt

Jesus loves us all, he just prefers the prettier boys more than the rest of us apparently.

And I hate to say it but Meryl Streep is actually good in this.

8/10

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

Michael Cera in yet another indie-teen-hipster-comedy-romance. It's not Juno but there's worse ways to spend 90 minutes.

7/10

Heckler

Jamie Kennedy manages to come across as even unfunnier and more pathetic that I'd already imagined... what an insecure wanker...

3/10

The Good, the Bad, the Weird

Ultra Stylish, ultra violent, ultra ridiculous Korean western that succeeds in almost everything it tries.

How they managed to turn such a crap script into such a watchable film is beyond me.

And the cinematography... the stunts... the violence... I got a stiffy.

9/10

The Wave

This was probably my 2nd favourite book that I read as high school homework (The Outsiders can't be beaten can it?) so I was always gonna be keen on an updated film version.

The fact that it's been relocated to Germany actually adds to the book and all up it's easily one of the best classroom movies you're likely to see.

8/10

Fears of the Dark

It put me to sleep. Literately. And I felt no desire to go back and watch what I'd slept through.

1/10

Clubbed

pathetic acting + pathetic dialogue = this fucking shit movie

0/10

Frost/Nixon

Not as boring as it should've been but still a little overlong and not as interesting as little Ritchie Cunningham wants us to think the whole thing is.

6/10

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

WHO FUCKING CARES!!!!
WOULD SOMEONE JUST KILL WOODY ALLEN!!!!!!
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

3/10

Mr. Untouchable

Okay but nothing memorable.

5/10

Persepolis

Interesting looking animation with great reviews but i thought it was a little crap.

5/10

Magicians

Mitchell & Webb made a movie but until I saw an ad on the back page of Viz I'd never heard of it. Can't see why it was buried away as STV fare because it's actually pretty funny.

7/10

Run Fat Boy Run

I watched it cos Simon Pegg was in it. Afterward I wished I hadn't.

2/10

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

Even though Sidney Lumet hasn't done anything good in 30 years I still want for him to make another Dog Day Afternoon or Network. This isn't it but it's pretty good.

7/10

Attack Girls Swim Team vs The Undead

Not as good as the title suggests.

3/10

Blindness

I can see why this has such mixed reviews. It's a very difficult film to watch for something that had such a wide release. The open minded will have no problem, but there's a reason films like this don't usually end up in the mainstream...

8/10

Real Time

Randy Quaid has a rather annoying Aussie accent, although he isn't completely unconvincing.

As for the film, it's funny, has heart and is over so quickly you'll be amazed it's been 90 minutes.

8/10

Religulous

While I agree with the message, sometimes i find these anti-religion films slightly annoying. Or maybe it's just Bill Maher I find annoying.

7/10

Unlucky Monkey

The final Sabu film that I needed for my collection. Just as good as his best work.

8/10

The Matsugane Potshot Affair

I watched this about a year ago and can only remember one thing, Corpse Molestation, other than that it's a blank.

I guess that means it's not so great.

?/10

Juno

I loved it.

9/10

American Gangster

This could've been really good but my problem is that Denzel Washington is a fucking unbearably bad actor. You could cast him 100 completely different roles and he'd play every single one in the exact same way.

7/10

The Hunting Party

Far from prefect but Richard Gere was enjoyable.

6/10

Alien Raiders

Cheap American alien sci-fi thriller that works better than any big budget hollywood film based on the exact same script probably would.

7/10

She's The Man

Surprisingly enjoyable American teen romantic comedy.

I hate to admit it but Amanda Byrnes was actually very good.

6/10

The Devil Dared Me To

The Back Of The Y guys made a movie. It's not as magnificent as the TV Show but I still pissed myself a few times.

8/10

Night People

A depressing tale about a night in Edinburgh. I think i'll take a point of for the ending, other than that it was decent.

6/10

Weirdsville

I usually hate slacker junkie movies but this one was strangely amusing.

And there's a guy wearing a goatse t-shirt in it. Awesome.

7/10

Protagonist

Nothing groundbreaking but rarely boring. The "ex-gay" evangelist is particularly amusing.

7/10

No Country for Old Men

An Oscar winner that actually deserved it. It rarely happens but it makes me happy when it does.

10/10

King of California

Not the greatest film but if nothing else it's further proof that Evan Rachel Wood is actually a decent actor.

6/10

He Was a Quiet Man

Q. Has Christian Slater done anything good since Heathers?
A. He has now.

8/10

note: excluding True Romance that is.

RocknRolla

Probably not saying much but this is easily the best thing from Guy Ritchie since Snatch.

The man may not make the most intelligent films but by fuck he's enjoyable when on song.

9/10

Le Renard et l'enfant
AKA: The Fox & the Child

It looks stunning but sadly it's aimed at 5-year-olds so it's just too hard to get into.

And the little kid is so fucking annoying I couldn't help but wish she'd just fucking die... holy fuck was she annoying. The fox ripping her throat out would've been the only ending I'd have been happy with.

Luc Jacquet should've just stuck with Penguins.

2/10

Seven Pounds

The only thing more ludicrous than Will Smith as a serious actor would be Woody Harrelson as one. Lucky for me that they both "perform" in this manipulative tear-jerker.

5/10

Dream

Far from Kim Ki-duk's best work but he's still light years ahead of most other film makers.

7/10

The Art of Pain

The acting is poor, the budget is zero and the plot is ridiculous BUT there wasn't a single moment during the 90 minutes i wasn't happy to be watching.

7/10

The Duchess

Oh my fucking god this was painfully boring.

2/10

The Ruins

Surprisingly enjoyable for an annnoying American teen horror film.

6/10

Slumdog Millionaire

This should win the Oscar for Best Picture. It won't, but it should. Near flawless.

10/10

Surveillance

I'm sure this film will be judged harshly by many critics but I think Jennifer Lynch has made the best thriller of 2008.

9/10

Tokyo Gore Police

Not the brutal masterpiece the trailer had me believe it would be, but it's still an orgy of gore and violence that shouldn't be missed by connoisseurs of such things.

7/10

Somers Town

Shane Meadows has become the best director in England but this was a little pointless. I just hope it was something he made to stay busy.

6/10

Wendy and Lucy

Annoying indie rubbish.

2/10

I Am Legend

Will Smith is considered a quality actor... It's a joke that I just don't get.

5/10

Eastern Promises

Maybe a little overrated but good nonetheless.

7/10

Atonement

Two great leads carry a decent script as far as it can be carried

8/10

3:10 To Yuma

Loved every single second.

10/10

The Wrestler

Okay, so i did like it but this has to be the most over-rated film of the year. It's well written, well directed, well acted, decent story but at the end of the day it doesn't really say anything that hasn't been said a thousand times.

Mickey Rourke is good but it's such a simple role to be good in, anyone capable of not over-acting would succeed just as well.

Marisa Tomei on the other hand... this should be the resurrection of her career.

8/10

The Wackness

Horrible

0/10

In The Pit

Doco about some Mexican workers building a massive freeway. Pretty much what you'd expect from this type of film.

Worth watching for the final flyover shot of the almost finished freeway. It looks amazing.

6/10

Che: Part One

It wasn't as bad as I was expecting but interesting that NOT ONE SINGLE TIME in over 2 HOURS was Che shown in a bad light. Not a single negative thing.

It must've been nice to not have a single negative flaw.

5/10

Maradona by Kusturica

Maradona = The greatest footballer ever.
Kusturica = The greatest Slavic film maker ever
Maradona by Kusturica = 90 minutes of hero worship, messily done and with no real depth.

What a fucking waste.

2/10

The Page Turner

So slow it's almost painful, but i think that's what the filmmaker was aiming for.

7/10

The Prestige

Currently ranked #84 in the IMDb's top 250. It's a good film but maybe that's a little high.

8/10

Sånger från andra våningen
AKA: Songs from the Second Floor

Beautiful.

9/10

Choke

Successful adaptation of the Chuck Palahniuk novel.

Darkly humerous and all round magnificent.

9/10

Cape No.7

This was a huge box office success in Taiwan but that really doesn't say much about Taiwanese filmgoers.

Poor acting, poor script... it was just a poor all round.

This is apparently an early favourite to win Best Foreign Language Film at the Academy Awards. It'll probably win.

0/10

Four Nights With Anna

Sad loser stalks the woman he went to prison for raping (even though he didn't do it), drugs her and spends 4 nights in her bedroom while she's asleep during which time he falls in love.

Any chance of a happy ending?

I don't know that I've ever seen a Polish film with a happy ending.

7/10

Ghost Town

Ricky Gervais could've picked a better film to make his cinematic debut in but he somehow manages to carry this rather average film above what it should have been.

6/10

Glory to the Filmmaker

I love Takashi Kitano, I even love him when he goes all arty like this but I have to admit that I just wish he’d go back on his word and make a few more gangster flicks.

6/10

Shoot Em Up

Nowhere near as much fun as I was expecting. Paul Giamatti ALMOST makes that black guy out of Rush Hour seem like a decent actor…

4/10

Secret Sunshine

Let’s just watch this poor woman emotionally tortured for 2 hours… I must be a misogynist…

8/10

Rush Hour 3

Probably the worst movie I saw last year.

0/10

Clubland

Horrible Australian film… just horrible. And annoying.

3/10

Wild Side: Director's Cut

If I directed this shit I would’ve killed myself too.

0/10

Jar City

Sadly ignored by all outside of Iceland but this was easily one of 2007’s best. I'll bet everything I own that there will be a shit Hollywood remake in the not too distant future.

9/10

Coast Guard

Kim Ki-Duk just can’t make a bad film. The man is just magnificent.

9/10

Three Extremes

Worth watching just for “Dumplings”.

7/10

The Walker

Absolutely awful. There was just no way I could watch the whole thing. Me thinks someone was really hoping to cash in on the whole “Capote” thing.

0/10

Superbad

I didn’t think it was that bad.

6/10

Family 2

One of the most pointless Takashi Miike films out there. It looks and feels like it was filmed in a day which, considering Miikes prolific output, it probably was.

2/10

Eye In The Sky

I feel like I’ve already seen this film 100 times but despite the lack of originality it was pretty engaging.

6/10

Comedy Of Power

Mildly interesting. Isabelle Huppert is brilliant as usual but is let down a bit by the script.

6/10

Sex And Death 101

I only watched this because it had Winona Ryder in it but managed to not hate the actual movie.

7/10

Resident Evil Extinction

The worst of the trilogy but I still managed to enjoy it a little.

5/10

Futurama: Benders Big Score

Complete total and utter shit

1/10

Deliver Us From Evil

Surprisingly good pedo priest doco.

7/10

Death At A Funeral

Pretty shit.

3/10

Workingman's Death

What all great documentaries should aim to be…

9/10

The City of Violence

Ho hum Korean gangster flick.

6/10

Moving McAllister

As insanely hot as Mila Kunis is this movie is bad.

1/10

The Boss of it All

Lars von Trier's worst film by a very long way. No wonder he's had a nervous breakdown... this was just rubbish...

1/10

It's A Free World

Ken Loach does what Ken Loach does and here he does it well...

8/10

La Antena (The Aerial)

TOTAL. FUCKING. GENIUS.

10/10

Cafe Lumiere

Tadanobu Asano is the best actor in the world (currently) but this was a little disappointing.

5/10

Beast Cops

After waiting year to finally see this I felt a lkittle let down.

5/10

Wrong Turn 2

The first one was much better

3/10

Wrong Turn

SCREAM BLOODY GORE!

5/10

War

Jet Li's best American offering but still disappointing in the same way all Jet Li's american films are.

6/10

Suicide Girls: The Italian Villa

It’s a bunch of suicide girls hanging out in an Italian villa… WTF else is there to say?

5/10

Shanghai Kiss

I hate to admit it but it actually sucked me in a bit… but maybe that’s just because I’m a 30-something that likes to prey on teenage girls.

6/10

May

Apparently this is sitting in the bargain bin at chickenfeed. What the fuck are you waiting for?

8/10

Zodiac

Overlong and just plain shit. Read the book instead you illiterate fuckwits!

4/10

Sånger från andra våningen

Beautiful

10/10

You, The Living

A near Masterpiece but it maybe went on a little bit too long.

9.5/10

The War On Democracy

Pilger is as biased as they come sometimes but at least he’s biased towards my side

7/10

The Family Friend

Maybe the most vile lead character filmed over the past few years. Oh fuck he was horrible. Even my stomach was churning.

8/10

13 Beloved

Definitely one of the best Thai films I’ve seen. Awesome. Sadly the Weinstein’s have bought the US rights so it’s no doubt going to be remade into a shitty American thriller.

7/10

Street Thief

I disliked the main character which is probably why I didn’t like this one as much as I should’ve

6/10